(Saya bukan seorang penari. Pun sangat jauh dari mungil. Tapi, tahu kan adegan 'Tiny Dancer' di 'Almost Famous'? Sensasi membahagiakan dari adegan itulah yang saya kejar..)

Hold me closer, tiny dancer

Count the headlights on the highway

Lay me down in sheets of linen

You had a busy day, today

("Tiny Dancer" - Elton John)

"...the quest for transcendence has always been closely linked to the ecstatic release of dancing."
(Resensi RollingStone atas sebuah album pop)

Mr. Darcy: "So what do you recommend, to encourage affection?"
Elizabeth Bennet: "Dancing, even if one's partner is only tolerable."
(Pride & Prejudice, 2005)

perempuan, 1983, lovesick soul, berjalan kaki, belajar menulis, menonton film, ingin keliling dunia, Billie Holliday, Jane Austen, 'Franny and Zooey', cerita pendek F Scott Fitzgerald, lagu-lagu sedih, kecanduan membeli buku second, deretan buku di lemari, berkeliling dengan bis kota, mengepak koper, menari bebas, Vogue, sepatu, bad boys, kopi, kuliner, foto, semua yang vintage, genggaman tangan, pelukan hangat, detil percakapan antara manusia, kegelisahan, kesepian, ruang pencarian, belajar dewasa, museum dan bangunan tua, hari hujan, sinar matahari hangat di hari berangin, airport, stasiun kereta, dan pertanyaan tanpa akhir

YM: isyana_artharini

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Tuesday, March 03, 2009

ďDo I want it? You bet your fucking ass I do! I think that people assume that I donít care or donít want it or donít need it or something. Itís hard to be there five times, and Iím only human, you know? But I donít go home and cry, because weíre all grown-ups here.Ē

(Kate Winslet di Vanity Fair Desember 2008, artikel: "Isn't She Deneuvely")

Okay, that settles it, I guess. Grown-ups don't cry about it, while I do. So, that makes me a child? Ah, what the hell. I feel like losing it here. Act all childish, cry, and just say hell.

I'm pissed with how things turn out, but I'm even more pissed that after all these years I still can't be happy for other people. I'm ashamed towards the people, and yes, they are sensitive enough to sense this thing I feel.

But I can't help it.

Well, actually I have to help it. But I lose the strength to help it.

I'm not above some show of appreciation. Most of the time, I try to be above it. But there are other times, I need that reinforcement of faith. So yeah, I need it. It. That thing that you keep throwing to others, but not at me.

Have I not been good enough?
Likeable enough?
Or emotionally messed up enough so that I need some form of sympathy?
Or maybe tough enough?
What the hell have I been doing wrong?

Is asking about this is wrong?
But I can't seem to figure out what the hell is the problem.

I had people telling me to keep positive thinking, but that's just one easy conclusion, right? I haven't arrived to that conclusion myself. They're just choking me with it so that I magically, instantly, arrive at that state of normalcy. Because that's what proper grown-ups do.

You know, words can only do so much to convince me. Yeah, so, I know I did fucking great, because I made well damn sure to fulfill my own standard. So your words mean little, because I know I have fulfilled my own standard. And if my standard coincide with yours, that's great for you. Your need is fulfilled. But I need some show of appreciation here.

Have I not been good or even, ah-hem, great or what? This bugs me because I couldn't get to the bottom of this. What's causing it and what can I do to fix it?

Posted at 07:09 pm by i_artharini

March 8, 2009   05:10 AM PDT
it's now???
March 4, 2009   09:12 AM PST
kamu kenapa nih?

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