Entry: Rambler Tuesday, March 03, 2009

ďDo I want it? You bet your fucking ass I do! I think that people assume that I donít care or donít want it or donít need it or something. Itís hard to be there five times, and Iím only human, you know? But I donít go home and cry, because weíre all grown-ups here.Ē

(Kate Winslet di Vanity Fair Desember 2008, artikel: "Isn't She Deneuvely")

Okay, that settles it, I guess. Grown-ups don't cry about it, while I do. So, that makes me a child? Ah, what the hell. I feel like losing it here. Act all childish, cry, and just say hell.

I'm pissed with how things turn out, but I'm even more pissed that after all these years I still can't be happy for other people. I'm ashamed towards the people, and yes, they are sensitive enough to sense this thing I feel.

But I can't help it.

Well, actually I have to help it. But I lose the strength to help it.

I'm not above some show of appreciation. Most of the time, I try to be above it. But there are other times, I need that reinforcement of faith. So yeah, I need it. It. That thing that you keep throwing to others, but not at me.

Have I not been good enough?
Likeable enough?
Or emotionally messed up enough so that I need some form of sympathy?
Or maybe tough enough?
What the hell have I been doing wrong?

Is asking about this is wrong?
But I can't seem to figure out what the hell is the problem.

I had people telling me to keep positive thinking, but that's just one easy conclusion, right? I haven't arrived to that conclusion myself. They're just choking me with it so that I magically, instantly, arrive at that state of normalcy. Because that's what proper grown-ups do.

You know, words can only do so much to convince me. Yeah, so, I know I did fucking great, because I made well damn sure to fulfill my own standard. So your words mean little, because I know I have fulfilled my own standard. And if my standard coincide with yours, that's great for you. Your need is fulfilled. But I need some show of appreciation here.

Have I not been good or even, ah-hem, great or what? This bugs me because I couldn't get to the bottom of this. What's causing it and what can I do to fix it?


March 8, 2009   05:10 AM PDT
it's now???
March 4, 2009   09:12 AM PST
kamu kenapa nih?

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